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    One Angry Reviewer
    Turner: 1995


    Ah Captain Planet. The quintessential butt monkey of this blog. When in a state of mental burnout, I always find that our favorite hippie in the red speedo really helps charge that mental battery. Be it a town trying to lynch a kid with HIV, a too dark for its intended audience drug abuse story, or the friggin' fuhrer, it's always fun to see how the captain will up the ante in oddball. And considering that the show ran for a whopping six seasons from 1990 all the way to 1996, there's just so much animated pollution to pull from our favorite captain that makes crap happen. This time, we're looking at "12 Angry Animals" from the "New Adventures" era of the show.

    Any time a show adds "New Adventures" to it, you're almost always in for trouble. Other than some slightly different animation, and a lack of as many major guest voices, there really was nothing particularly new to these adventures. I mean, what's really new, the theme song?

    Oh dear god, where to start?



    I actually forgot to mention this in the "Good Bomb is Hard to Find" review. So, instead of that really awesome opening that tells us about the series in general, the sixth and final season of the show felt that we should have a weird pair of disembodied lips giving us an extremely half hearted rap about how Captain Planet is... and I quote, the "Mega Mac Daddy of Ecology". Yeah, I think whoever thought of this suffered from some "mind pollution". 

    At least they didn't end up like Boris.

    This was 1995, gangsta rap was massive at this point. So, even for it's time, this type of intro is dated. Not to mention, it's just not pleasant to listen to. Some corporate suit thought "well the kids like rap, and mega mac daddies, so let's scrap that old intro with the good animation, and get hip with the kids, yo!" So we now get this droning voice, and this awful, bland beat. It does nothing to make you feel like you're watching a show about five multicultural do-gooders and their blue friend with the amazing green mullet. Seriously Cap, why didn't you do anything to prevent this ear pollution?

    So with that out of the way, let's get into "12 Angry Animals"


    We open the episode as the Planeteers are climbing Mount Everest, as Wheeler bothers Linka with his camera. The reason they're climbing the mountain is because Gaia thought it would help restore their spirits. You know, screw spending time with their families, go do something more relaxing, climb a deadly mountain, that'll put the zowzers back in your trousers. Also, what if while they're in the middle of this arduous trek, there was peril caused by say, Hoggish Greedly, or Sy Sludge? Screw that I guess, those teens need to restore their spirits. 

    Gaia's a douche.

    Wheeler however is more interested in the prospect of filming Bigfoot, which Linka corrects him by calling him the Abominable Snowman
    or the Yetay.

    Despite Linka's claims of no yeti existing, Wheeler plans to capture him... on video of course. Which, being a planeteer who's job it is to keep animals safe, revealing the whereabouts of a rare creature which hunters or poachers could use to capture the beast would be a rather massive dick move. But, then again, Wheeler always was a bit of a dick. The group make it to the top of the mountain and spot snow leopard tracks. Ma-ti, who's interested in seeing one, tells the group to follow, to which they oblige. 



    But their snowy animal hunt is put to a stop as the planeteers begin to freeze, so they seek shelter. Wheeler tries to warm everyone up with his fire ring, not having the foresight to think that the melted ice and snow could cause an avalanche, which almost sends our heroes falling to their deaths. The avalanche causes Ma-Ti's ring to fall. I know that it's needed to summon Captain Planet, but it is the ring of heart, so nothing of value would be lost. 

    They eventually find the snow leopard, and give follow, eventually causing them to fall into a hole, which leads them into an icy cave, and face to face with...

    The Yetay!

    The yeti (voiced by the late Tony Jay) tells them that they're free to go, but they'll surely perish in the snow. So they were brought here by a group of animals to decide their fate for being criminals, as a bird says the totally not dated line of "Book 'em Dano!" Then again, considering the rap intro, that isn't dated at all.


    The planeteers are being charged with the murder of innocent species. Despite Wheeler telling the yeti that they're the good guys trying to prevent this stuff, the yeti says that doesn't matter because they're still human. Wow, literally racial profiling on the yeti's part. The court will be held by a jury of 12 angry animals, who will be the ultimate decision on if the planeteers are guilty or innocent.



    The yeti calls the first witness, which is a mammoth that grabs Kwame and somehow uses his magic teleporting powers to take him to the ice age, where cave men are attacking several mammoths. Kwame manages to stop the cavemen before the wacky trip comes to an end, and he returns to the cave. The mammoth says that humans hunted his kind, to which Kwame objects by essentially saying "yeah, well so did wolves in their fight to survive", to which the mammoth's best comeback is that humans hunted far better.

    Yeah, it was all the humans fault the mammoths died out. Not any help from climate changes, or disease, or a changing world. JUST humans. I'm beginning to think this trial may be a little biased.

    Next up is a seal that takes Gi into the sea as the two suddenly get captured by... Christopher Columbus?
    Oh no, we've been transported into "The Magic Voyage"! Quick, get us out of here before Corey Feldman begins to talk!


    Believing that pinnipeds will last forever, Christopher has no problem with killing innocent seals for their fur and meat. Gi saves the seal from being killed, and Columbus, in a tizzy, wants his crew to continue to pursue the seal. Dude, you just went through a promo about how you think there are plenty of seals to plunder, you can live with one escaping. Gi and the seal leap back into the ice cave, with the charge being that humans want to hunt down seals for trade.


    Next up on the planeteer blame game is the thylacine (AKA Tasmanian Tiger)  who targets Ma-Ti for our next lesson. They leap into the days when the animals shared the land with the Aborigines, but then the  ranchers showed up, and started hunting the thylacines down. A rancher points a gun at Ma-Ti, as he tells him that the tasmanian tigers are eating the sheeps, aka their profit. The tasmanian tiger tells them that he never ate any profit, to which the rancher replies that...

    wait a sec, how can the rancher understand the animal? I get that this is some sort of world made by the animals to push their point, but wouldn't it base itself more on reality, AKA humans not being able to understand animals?  It's a nitpick, but still. Also, It's kinda fun to see Jim Cummings go from his Italian voice for Columbus, then to his Australian voice for the rancher. Believing the tasmanian tiger will eat his crop, he shoots at him, causing Ma-Ti to leap back.

    So next we have Wheeler on the chopping block with some lizard, which is affectionately named Rodney Endagerfield by Wheeler... And now you know why Wheeler is awful.


    This time it's a forest with bulldozers knocking the trees down, which would cause the newt creatures to be wiped out of existence. Wheeler aims to stop this, despite, you know, this being both a leap into the past, and also the fact that Wheeler clearly never heard of a time paradox, which would occur if he just saved a species. He stops the bulldozer, as its operator (voiced again by Jim Cummings) yells at him for it. Not taking the arguments of Wheeler with much water, the bulldozers continue to move, dumping Wheeler out of the way. Wheeler almost gets the lizard run over, but not before they leap back to the cave.



    Okay, so all that's left in the animal guilt trip brigade is Linka, who is talked to by a butterfly. They leap, and now LInka is flying on the back of the insect. Good thing she's not still on the bliss anymore, or this would be even more of a trip. So, the issue this time is that the flower garden the butterfly lives in is being infected with poisons being sprayed by a crop duster (surprisingly not voiced by Jim Cummings). Linka tries to blow the poison away with her wind ring. So I guess that's all that problem is... oh wait, cities and pollution is another problem for the bug. Well that's... Acid rain too? Jeez. They're just beating the crap out of the butterfly.

    So, the charges are now being put on the planeteers, and with all of the damning evidence of the evil humans clearly in front of them, they plead guilty. The yeti's sentence for them is not death, or extinction of the human race, but rather to live with the fact that humans are assholes that wiped species off the planet, and pretty much screwed the pooch for the planet.


    So, this whole thing was to just guilt trip the planeteers that humans are destructive and thoughtless? That would be fitting for them to learn IF THEY DIDN'T ALREADY! The whole premise of the show is for them to stop villains who pollute the land, or endanger animals. They've done that for the majority of six seasons. You know, when they aren't dealing with aids, or drugs, or Hitler, or gang violence (please don't tell me I set myself up for that one). They've spent all of this time learning about the worst of humanity, and what they've done. By now, they've had to have retained the knowledge about a lot of what humanity has done to damage the world. It's not really a lesson they needed to learn about from magical talking dead animals and furry Megabyte.

    So, the planeteers are thrown back outside, and then back into the cave. Okay. They find Ma-Ti's ring, and have no memory of any trial or yeti.

    Wait... So, their memories were wiped too? They don't remember the giant yeti, or the trial, or the Australian Jim Cummings, or acid rain, or... anything?


    But the yeti's mind wipe plan has a gaping flaw, as Wheeler's camera (which for some reason Linka has no clue what it's called) still has video of the yeti. But the yeti apparently did have a backup for that situation, as the cave begins to collapse, and the camera falls into an icy chasm.


    So, since I almost forgot what this show was called again, they FINALLY summon Captain Planet. After several awful puns (Ice picking on my friends?), Cap whisks them to safety, without Wheeler's camera. After that harrowing situation, the planeteers feel nice and revitalized. And the episode ends with the snow leopard staring at them, telling them to remember their promise. You mean, the promise you seemingly wiped from their memory? Okay then. Will do.



    And that was "12 Angry Animals". The episode isn't horrible, definitely a bit better than the other ones I've touched for Tooncrap. The problem is it just doesn't feel like it has a reason to exist. What I mean is that the trial was pointless guilt tripping of the planeteers, who were good people doing good things. Whether the yeti and the animals knew that is beyond me, but if this was a trial for some other random humans, that weren't protectors of the environment like the planeteers, than the moral would hold more weight. For as absurd as this story was, it would have worked better as an educational cartoon, and not a Captain Planet episode.

    Plus, despite being the namesake of the show, Captain Planet really felt unnecessary in the grand scheme of things. He only had like a minute and a half of time in the entire series, and barely enough time for amazing puns. I get that the planeteers are the real protagonists, but jeez, give the blue guy some love. So, yeah, in the end, this was crap, but maybe not the worst crap. Just something that wasn't needed from a series that never needed to last six seasons.

    But if we learned anything in this whole thing, it's that Jim Cummings is evil. He is the living embodiment of every evil Italian, Australian, and bulldozer operator there is. He probably invented acid rain and cavemen too.

    Beware this man, and don't let his evil, twisted words infect the minds of your children. Beware! Beware!

    Though he was Darkwing Duck, so I guess I can forgive him. I love you Jim Cummings!

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  • 09/03/13--07:04: Angela Anaconda
  • My anaconda don't want none
    Decode Entertainment: 1999

    Sometimes you come across a show that just annoys you. It may not be the worst written, or the worst looking, but everything about it just annoys you. Johnny Test is currently that show that really annoys me because of its inane, awful writing, and its never ending airplay. Well, over a decade ago, the honor of annoying cartoon went solely to that of Angela Anaconda.

    Some of you may actually remember that Angela Anaconda first made her presence to the world on an episode of the Nickelodeon show Kablam!, back in the late 90's. Most probably remember Angela Anaconda from that segment at the beginning of the Digimon movie. Yeah, even to this day I have zero clue who thought that Digmon fans were going to be able to tolerate an opening skit with a nasally voiced girl and her revenge fantasies with creepy-as-all hell clip art designs. No wonder Fox Family Channel tanked.

    But if you're a Canuck like me, you remember this show from Teletoon. The same Teletoon that currently thinks that Johnny Test needs 40 airings a week. It lasted for a while here, but was actually canned quite quick in the states. Perhaps a lot of that had to be the fact that despite episodes having different settings at times, the biggest problem with this show, other than the creepy art style, was that it literally felt like every episode was the same thing. So, what is the essential plot of every episode, with very little that made you want to come back for more. So, what is this show about?

    Angela Anaconda is this tomboy girl with a voice that sounds like a female Urkel. She and her friends, who run the stereotypical gamut of geeky weak boy, overly nice fat girl, and the other kid who's just really dumb, usually try to do something, but are constantly bothered, or impeded in their efforts of fun by Nanette Manoir, a valley girl who acts French, and often kisses up to the show's other antagonist, mean teacher Mrs. Brinks. The episode eventually wraps up with Angela imagining getting revenge on those who wronged her in annoying ways, often making Angela look more petty than in the right.

    So, let's get to the design of the show. It's creepy. I don't generally mind the design being clip art, as if done right, it can look pretty cool. But the issue I have is that the people are all gray, and dead looking. Like weird walking corpses that lack any sign of life. Sure some of the world has color, but it feels weird to see in a world with gray, dead looking people. All in all, it's not a pretty sight to look at.

    So let's get to the show itself, and see what's wrong with this show. Let's review this thing.

    Let's start with the intro. Surely it can't be that...

    Well, I'm done. Review over. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.



    Dear god I hate this intro. I get that we're supposed to sell the show on the main character and the conflict, but it could be done far better than without this nasally voiced girl singing somewhat off key about how Nanette is such a stuck up jerk face. It makes it come off less like "Ninny Poo" as Angela refers her to is less the villain as it comes off that she's just really jealous and spiteful.

    "Starring me, and not starring Nanette Manoir". Thanks, I was worried it would be about Nanette when they named the show Angela Anaconda.

    So, let's look at a couple episodes, starting with what most people remember, the infamous Digimon short. So, if you've seen the Digimon movie, be it either theatrically, or on VHS or DVD, then you've sat through the previews, were ready for big adventure with your favorite digital monsters who are the champions, and then, you get...


    This.

    Yeah, you thought you were going to jump right in to Digimon, but Fox is all like "screw that, choke down some crappy show on that Family channel of ours you don't watch". And the sad thing is, this wasn't chopped into an extra on the DVD. When you start the movie, you get this first. Why? This has nothing to do with the actual movie. This holds no bearing to anything that actually involves itself in the film. It's not like each of the three stories in the movie will be segued by interstitials hosted by Angela and her friends. This is just them going to see the movie. Because apparently you needed to be reminded that this is a movie. Despite it saying "THE MOVIE" in the title. So let's get into this. It's only about four minutes long, so far less the length of an actual episode.


    So we see that Angela and her friends are first in line to see Digimon the Movie, and it's almost time for the show. However, their plans for the best seats in theater get impeded as Nanette Manoir and her rich friends have VIP passes. So, Angela and crew race into the theaters, only to find themselves blocked by Nanette, her friends, and their teacher Mrs. Brinks. So, instead of trying their best to find other seats, Angela begins to imagine.

    Oh boy, it's THIS part. The part that really makes me hate Angela. In every episode, she imagines getting really over the top revenge on either Mrs. Brinks, Nanette, or whoever is the antagonist. This time around, she's digivolves to...

    Shitty cosplayer-mon?

    So, this just leads to a giant fight with Angelamon (I feel like a tool for even writing that), fighting Nanette inside a Mrs. Brinks robot, and her friends beating them down. Yes, they blocked your seats, but considering you had all the time in the world to have chosen those seats before Nanette blocked you, this is more on your end, and your petty dreams of abusing your teacher and some snot kids comes off more as you just being an idiot. And the episode ends with a far more idiotic payoff that, hey, all of the kids went into the wrong theater, and are watching some French film. Ha. It's funny because they were all in a rush and clearly weren't paying attention.

    Now that that's out of the way, let's look at an episode from the show, in this case being "Diving Miss Angela"


    We open the episode with the class taking a field trip to the knock off Sea World, as Mrs. Brinks scolds Johnny Abotti (the dumb kid I mentioned earlier) for horseplay, as she is more vested in the majestic whales. Hopefully this is more just admiring the creature, and not some Troy McClure ocean creature fetish thing. Due to a contest where whoever catches the ball gets to be whale assistant, Angela lucks out, and gets her opportunity. This turns out successful for Angela.

    While Mrs. Brinks and Nanette get soaked because they're the antagonists, so laugh dammit.

    Her experience with whale being a success, Angela is now unable to shut the hell up about it, on account of (and for some reason she says "on account of" more than any human being imaginable. Seriously, it's like some really random catchphrase) she now wants to study creatures in the ocean. Well, at least she has a goal, and clearly this won't just be a contrived plot device that will not have any importance by episode's end.


    So after receiving some stuff from her Grandma Lou, she goes to the lake and looks around for underwater life, but only finds Nanette Manoir, who is part of a scuba diving class. Since she has experience despite being under 13, she has the right to be here, while Angela can essentially go screw I guess. So, are we supposed to hate Nanette yet? I mean other than petty insults, technically she hasn't done anything monstrous. And in the case of the whole scuba thing, she at least set out to get experience beforehand. Yeah, that has a lot to do with her being rich, but still.


    So what follows is a montage of Angela trying to practice scuba diving. From walking underwater, to whatever the hell she's doing in the kitchen of her house, to swimming on a table. But despite training herself, and still sucking hard at it, she's surprisingly still not given a chance to snorkel. Nanette mocks Angela about not having a pool to dive in. Angela pines over this to her grandma, who goes into some segue about holding a manatee wedding. What? When Grandma Lou gives her a diving helmet, Angela suggests the lake, to which Grandma Lou says would be too dangerous. So the best way to do this is, of course...

    Sneak into Nanette's place and dive in her pool. Yeah, our heroes ladies and germs. Oh that Nanette is so catty and mean, but since we're in the moral right, we can just try to get away with BREAKING AND ENTERING. The swim practice is cut short as the two are caught by Nanette and her family, and told to leave. But before they can, Angela begins to imagine. Oh boy, I'm sure this couldn't possibly be a very unbalanced punishment she's going to imagine.



    In this case, she imagines being a deep sea diver finding the elusive Ninnyfish. With the help of Grandma Lou and the manatees mentioned earlier (I guess there was a point to that), they've captured the Ninnyfish, saving the day, I guess. So, I guess we can just move on with the story, and...


    No, of course it couldn't end there. No, she wants to take the Ninnyfish to Oceanland to abuse it, not feed it treats, and force it to marry a shark. And all of this, because she said some bitchy comments and didn't want you swimming in HER POOL? I'm sorry, but this is unbalanced revenge. If Nanette did anything in this episode deserving of any form of retaliation to this degree, then okay, that would make sense. But it doesn't, and it makes Angela look extremely petty, and even more cruel than Nanette. Somehow I think when Angela gets older, it will be less cutesy imagery of what she wants to do to her enemies, and more just extremely violent.

    Also, like Doug, does no one notice that Angela kind of goes all silent and still, wondering what she could be thinking of? These imagination flashbacks for the most part always seem like they come off terrible.

    So, it turns out that she finds some jewel that fell off Nanette's mother's bracelet, and both Angela and her grandmother are off the hook for, you know, invasion of private property and all. But, when now given the chance to dive, Angela has now decided that she no longer wants to be a scuba diver, or to study undersea life. Nah, she'd rather study geology, making this entire experience all the more pointless.


    And that's Angela Anaconda. It's... yeah. The writing is for the most part boring and bland, the animation looks more freaky and ugly than it was intended, and the main character feels more obnoxious than endearing. And my god her imagination is awful, often wanting to dole out a surprisingly unwarranted amount of revenge on someone, coming off more cruel and spiteful than the actual villains of the show. Is Nanette a  bitch? Yes, that can't be disputed. But barely anything she does is often deserving of the punishment Angela wants her to have. So, yeah, it's probably not a show that will drive me insane thinking about it, but it's definitely crap.



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    One Horrid Episode
    Nickelodeon: 2010

    So, among the many awful Spongebob episodes that people claim to be the worst in the series, there are several that seem to often get mentioned. One is Atlantis Squarepantis, another is Dear Vikings, and another well known bad episode is The Splinter. But one that also seems to get mentioned a lot is One Coarse Meal. And after watching the episode, I finally get why. If A Pal For Gary helped show how much of a scumbag Spongebob can be, this episode was no better in helping to fix his image. So, let's delve back into the sea again for another look. Let's review this thing.

    So, first I guess we should see who wrote this episode?


    Ah, Casey Alexander and Zeus Cervas. The same two who wrote "A Pal for Gary", as well as many of the infamously bad episodes of the current Spongebob era. We're really in for a treat, aren't we?



    We open the episode at the Krusty Krab, as Mr. Krabs is partaking in a money bath, when he smells something bad. Perhaps he smells the script for this episode. It turns out that it's explosives set by his old enemy Plankton. After blowing up the kitchen in the restaurant, Plankton manages to capture both Mr. Krabs and Spongebob in an attempt to once again gain the krabby patty secret formula. Spongebob blabs the location, meaning that all has been won for Plankton.



    However, one gigantic flaw in his plan walks into the room in the form of Mr. Krabs' daughter Pearl. This causes Plankton to go into a panic, and runs away. Turns out that Plankton has a fear of whales knowing that they eat his fellow plankton. This gives Mr. Krabs an idea. He asks Pearl to go to the Chum Bucket to pay a visit to Plankton. But she wants more mall money, to which Spongebob pays her in "Mr. Krabs Wacky Bucks", the phony money that he gets paid in. You'd be offended by that, but this is Eugene Krabs, known greedy douche. Since Pearl refuses to help, Mr. Krabs asks for some of her clothes.


    Back at the Chum Bucket Plankton tells his computer wife Karen about his encounter with Pearl. Despite his clear fear of whales being justified as they have eaten his ancestors, Karen still scoffs at Plankton over being scared of some teenage whale, and tells him to take the trash out. He does so, only to find Pearl popping out of the trash to scare him. His attempts to barricade the laboratory doesn't help either as she scares him some more.

    Oh, and Pearl is secretly Mr. Krabs, but you kinda saw that coming from a mile away.


    The constant haunting of Plankton goes on for another 16 days, making him more and more paranoid and delusional. He even begins to dream about being eaten alive by Pearl. But at least in the nightmare he gets to visit his ancestors while being half dissolved by stomach acid. With things continuing to mess him up mentally, Plankton has had it.



    The next day, Plankton decides that he's finally had enough of the whale visions and lays in the middle of the road so he can be run over. Because, you know, kids love suicide. Spongebob asks what's wrong, and Plankton suggests that Spongebob step on him. However Spongebob won't because that, and I quote, "flies in the face of his good nature". Keep a note of that line because it's going to be rendered pointless very shortly. So, Plankton tells Spongebob to leave him alone, and Spongebob obliges.

    So, you won't actively try to kill him, but you will allow him to kill himself. I guess that's what counts as your good nature? What the hell are the writers doing to this show?



    Spongebob tells Mr. Krabs about Plankton's suicide attempt, and Mr. Krabs finds it to be hilarious. So, him trying to steal your formula is worse than you assisting in his suicide? Hell, even the old Mr. Krabs was greedy, but lord help me, he was never this evil. He'd just counter Plankton's plans, not try to destroy his life even further. Again, writers, what the hell?

    Spongebob tries to tell Mr. Krabs that maybe he's taking things too far, to which Mr. Krabs reminds Spongebob that this was his fault for revealing the location of the formula. Yeah, that's true, but after Plankton was chased off the first time, you couldn't have moved the formula to a safer spot? Wouldn't have been far less effort than trying to make your sworn enemy try to kill himself?



    So, Spongebob goes back to the suicidal Plankton and tells him about Mr. Krabs' whole plan to traumatize him, and also tells him about Mr. Krab's secret fear. So, yay, it kind of looks like this will end with Spongebob being able to help Plankton get some revenge, and the episode can end with at least some good feelings. Yeah, if that was the case, this wouldn't have been such a bad episode.



    Plankton confronts the disguised Mr. Krabs, and despite his best efforts, Mr.Krabs no longer scares him. Plankton manages to counter him by bringing in a mime, which turns out to be the secret fear of Mr. Krabs. So, it looks like we could end this episode right here. Plankton got his revenge on Krabs, and even somewhat seems to have conquered his fear. But of course Spongebob diverts Plankton's attention...


     with a holographic image of a pod of whales, causing him to run away in suicidal fear again to end the episode. So, you wouldn't step on him because it flies in the face of your good nature, but you'll easily exploit his fear to cause him to likely do himself in? Our heroes ladies and gents, more cruel than the character who's supposed to be the villain.


    And that's One Coarse Meal. I get the fact that we're not supposed to have Plankton win, and bad things should happen to him. Yeah, that's all well and good, but this is a case where most of the torment he got wasn't deserved, and the fact that something as serious as suicide was handled in a joking manner. The outcome makes the characters we're supposed to consider the heroes end up like villains.

    Like A Pal for Gary, which made Spongebob come off as blind and cruel, this episode made him look just as bad as Mr. Krabs. Zeus Cervas and Casey Alexander have shown so far that they don't get what made Spongebob funny so long ago, and often tried too hard to raise the bar, without thinking about what it would do to the characters they involve. I'm starting to understand the hate for modern Spongebob with each episode I review. And the sad thing is it looks like I have a lot more to go.



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  • 11/11/13--18:41: Pinky, Elmyra, and the Brain
  • World Dumbination
    Warner Bros: 1998

    The 90's gave us a plethora of great cartoons. And while some of them haven't held up perfectly, the "Steven Spielberg Presents" cartoons are still hilarious to watch. Not just because they represent a great time capsule of 90's nostalgia, but the comedic writing is among some of the absolute best. Tiny Toon Adventures started the trend, but when Animaniacs came around, it was turned into an art form. The show gave us iconic characters like the Warner Brothers (and the Warner Sister), Slappy Squirrel, Rita and Runt, the Goodfeathers, and more. But the duo that really proved to be a massive hit of the show were two lab mice with aspirations to take over the world. 

    The comedic misadventures of the Orson Welles inspired super genius mouse Brain, and his lovable Narfing dimwit sidekick Pinky proved to be such a hit for Animaniacs that the shorts were spun off into its own series. It proved to be a successful move as the show would prove just as popular as Animaniacs, as well as award winning, as the show would win several Emmy Awards. With its popularity among fans and critics alike, it seemed impossible to screw  this up.

    Then along came this dickhead.

    In 1997, massive changes in the programming of the WB were underway thanks to the placement of a new head of production in one Jamie Kellner. He wasn't quite a fan of the way shows like Animaniacs and Pinky and the Brain were going,  and actually was responsible for the cancellation of Animanics, Superman: The Animated Series, Freakazoid!, and so many others. Kellner would also have a hand in the death of World Championship Wrestling as well. 

    So to say this guy was a bit of a douche is an understatement.

    Even though Animaniacs was cancelled, Pinky and the Brain lived on for another season. And despite the network execs undermining the writers and screwing with the show beforehand, they felt like finally dropping the turd in the gumbo. You see, just having a cartoon about two mice wanting to take over the world wasn't enough, this show needed to be more of a sitcom. Pinky and the Brain clearly weren't enough to keep this show afloat. They needed a third in this story. And clearly the only logical choice out of the plethora of established characters in the Tooniverse to go with was... 

    Elmyra Duff.

    Because what the show needed more of was the annoying girl from Tiny Toons that abused animals with her hugging and squeezing and loving. Sadly, I wish I was joking about all this, but yep. And thus we get the fifth season of Pinky and the Brain in fall of 1998, titled "Pinky, Elmyra, and the Brain." So how bad was this abusive third wheel? Let's look at an episode as we review this thing.



    Let's start with the opening, which beyond telling us the backstory that led to this union, but also gives a collective middle finger to the WB in general. Acme Labs ends up destroyed, so Pinky and the Brain end up alone and lost, while being chased by some shadowy figure. They end up hiding in a pet store, where they end up being bought by Elmyra, who thought she was just getting a discount turtle. So Pinky and the Brain share a new domain...

    It's what the network wants. Why bother to compain? (when your own theme song disses you, you dun goofed, son)

    So while Earth remains the goal of Pinky and the Brain, now they have to endure the loving animal abuse of Elmyra Duff. Fun ahoy.



    Let's review the first episode "Patty Ann". It starts with Elmyra annoying some kid named Rudy (the show adds more characters, but since none of them really have anything interesting about them, you won't really remember they exist). He wants to feel Elmyra's talking mice to his pet snake, and she just hugs him, bothering him. So, if you thought the writers were going to make Elmyra a bit of a smarter character, or far less annoying, yeah, keep wishing. We then cut to the Brain saying "I hate this" (keep the meta writing coming), as both he and Pinky...


    Are put in a toilet by Elmyra, as she's reenacting Titanic, and flushes the toilet with them inside. So yeah, I'm not even a minute into this ten minute episode, and I've pretty much reached the whole point of the series. Pinky and the Brain abused by a moron for an entire episode. Hell, I could end this review right now, but unfortunately I must torture myself for the enjoyment of others. I hope you appreciate it you shmucks.

    With the duo flushed away, Elmyra has time to focus on the more important things in life like... pretty shower curtains... Oh god.


    Brain tells Pinky that he is coming up with a plan to take over the world involving the sewer. But before Brain can execute it, the duo are then bathed violently by Elmyra. In fact, almost any attempt in Brain starting his plan for world domination is interrupted by the annoyance of Elmyra. Pinky, however, seems to be fine with "playing" with Elmyra. Poor lad, he's taken too many lumps to the noggin. Brain tells Elmyra he wants her to leave him alone to plan, he's met with more abuse. It's funny because I DON'T FRIGGING KNOW!

    So later that night Pinky and the Brain manage to get Elmyra off their backs by, get this, shining a light on the wall, and telling her to walk into it. And the moron does it. This used to be an Emmy winning cartoon. EMMY WINNING! 



    Brain's world domination plan involves the construction site, as he plans to lure the media with a phony well rescue. And instead of dumping Elmyra into the sewer (why not just ditch her in the sewer and come up with a better plan? I know Brain isn't that evil, but no one would blame you!), he has a better idea. he creates a mechanized body of a little girl named Patty Ann, as he will haved rescued from a sewer. 

    This however begins to hit a snag as that Rudy kid somehow falls in love with the mouse in the really awful little girl suit. Despite his plans to either feed the mice to his snake, or make money off them, or some crap, he doesn't notice the mouse head on this body, and runs off with Brain, much to the jealousy of Elmyra. Because, screw the direction this was looking to go for a second. 


    Then we get a random song, because you know, that whole plot with the sewer, why bother? And even for a show from a series that could produce great songs, the lyrics are uninspired as all hell. But then again, so is most of this episode. When he finally manages to get rid of Rudy, the whole sewer thing can go underway, as Brain plans to call the media. But instead of that, we have Elmyra beat them up for "stealing her man". And the episode ends with "Patty Ann" all tied up, and the two mice abused yet again.

    I could really do another episode, but it's really all the same formula. Elmyra abuse, Elmyra abuse, possible world dominaiton idea, more abuse, a glimmer of hope that we could get to a world domination plan, and in the end Elmyra screws it all up for them,ending in, you guessed it, more abuse.


    And that's Pinky, Elmyra,and the Brain, AKA, how network meddling can cripple great television. For every funny line that Pinky and the Brain may say in the show, we still have to endure constant animal abuse humor, and the "hilarious" antics of a window licker by the name of Elmyra. It just doesn't work, and meddles with what was at one point one of the greatest cartoons of the 90's. And my general consensus speaks for pretty much everyone else, as the show was hated by critics and fans alike, only lasting on the WB for even  of the thirteen episodes. 

    Then again, I guess it could have been worse. They could made a series teaming her up with the Warners. Yeah, try to get that nightmare out of your head now :)

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    Hey Lois, remember that time Family Guy was funny?
    Fox/Fuzzy Door Productions: 2011

    I think with all the recent hubbub about Family Guy, it's only fair for me to do a review of one of the worst episodes of the show. And looking at all of the worst this show has had to offer, it's almost impossible to pick just one. I could have gone with the much lauded "Seahorse Seashell Party", which not only frightens the eye with horrific imagery in a lazy attempt to prove "look, we have a budget", but tries to justify making Meg the show's go-to punching bag, but that's been done by many a reviewer. I was also thinking of reviewing "Brian and Stewie". You know that one hour episode that was really like 40 minutes, spending that time with an insufferable baby diaper eating joke, followed by ear mutilation, rewarding the viewer for sitting through the schlock with a schmaltzy ending involving Brian's suicidal thoughts.

    That pretty much says a lot about modern Family Guy. It seems that the show has tried more and more in recent years to be more about pulling on the heartstrings while trying their damnedest to be controversial. Be it episodes about Lois' concerns over a sick child not being treated by doctors due to the beliefs of his parents, or the most recent attempt to get the show talked about for the first time since like maybe 2005, which was by brutally killing off Brian Griffin in an episode that again tries too hard to be emotional and heartfelt.

    Seriously, this is a show that gave us singing prom night dumpster babies and Quagmire shooting and killing the Simpsons. Attempts at seriousness from this show feel like the show trying too hard to be deep. You're not All in the Family. Hell, you're barely Facts of Life.

    Which leads me to the episode I'm reviewing for this edition of Tooncrap. So, what's Family Guy going to treat as a hot button issue this time? The answer is domestic abuse. I guess it's okay to take it serious in this episode. It's not Meg being beat up. So, let's not waste time like some Conway Twitty bit. Let's review this thing.



    We open the episode in the Griffin household as Peter tells Lois that he's going fishing with Joe and Quagmire. They joke around about that forgettable time that Peter was a fisherman with two Portuguese assistants, followed by a cutaway of porch geese. heh. At the docks, Joe and Peter are waiting for Quagmire, while having a hard time making idle conversation with one another. The bit goes nowhere.



    The two find Quagmire at home hanging from the ceiling, suffering from auto-erotic asphyxiation after watching clown porn. Hey, a funny joke... being done in a rather dark scene. Joe's concerned about Quagmire's health, while Peter is his usual selfish douche self. At the hospital, Peter tells his family that Quagmire is in a coma, and that the only member of his family coming to show up is his sister Brenda with her boyfriend Jeff. I guess a plus to this is at least his dad isn't showing up so the show can make oh-so-tasteful transgender jokes.

    Lois isn't too happy about this considering that Jeff is abusive to Brenda, but Peter says that she's gotten a lot better. Yeah, anything Peter says in this episode pretty much results in assholery. We see the couple arrive to the hospital, and yeah, Jeff is abusive to Brenda, and she's pretty much scared to say anything against him. She sings a song her mother used to sing to her (which is about events happening then on October 30th 2011. It's a backfire of a joke. In fact, let's go back to the clown porn, so far that's the only thing that worked in this episode). The song wakes Quagmire from his coma, but before the siblings can talk, Jeff drags her out of the room.



    At Quagmire's place, we get more nonsensical verbal abuse from Jeff, which I guess is supposed to be funny, and knowing the writers of this show, it probably was, but really reaches for any sliver of a chuckle and gets nothing in return.  Jeff shoves Brenda into another room as we hear her getting verbally abused, again trying for laughs with some of his dialogue, but yeah, no. After the break, it's more verbal abuse.

    Quagmire talks to the Griffins about Jeff and this leads Peter into an Iraq Lobster cutaway. Ah, the classic Family Guy callback, only taking what was funny about the original bit, adding obvious racism and placing it in an episode that they're claiming to be a serious story. Quagmire asks Lois to talk to Brenda about leaving Jeff, which leads to a bit involving Brenda having a black eye, and also seemingly having no problem with being abused by Jeff. Quagmire asks Joe to arrest him, but he can't unless Brenda files a formal complaint, which as we saw by the multiple excuses made, that's not happening.



    The plan in motion is an intervention. And this leads to yet again misfire joke after misfire joke, from Joe not knowing Chris' name to Peter telling Brenda to smoke a whole carton of cigarettes. Quagmire reads a letter he wrote saying that her being with Jeff has proven that she wants to make her life worse, and that he wants his sister back. These are strong, powerful words. Strong, powerful words from a rapist, but I guess the point is still being made. However, this proves to not work as she's going to marry Jeff because she's pregnant. Peter suggests the names Slappy, Bruisey, and "Keep it Down in Theresy".

    Remember when Peter was actually funny? I mean like saying funny things, doing funny things. It seems like now, especially in this episode his whole role is to be the comic relief, but instead of saying something to lighten the mood, the joke comes from mockery of the situation. His role from father who sometimes does the wrong thing but his heart is in the right place has been replaced by horrible person who does horrible things and only really seems to apologize when he knows it'll cost him his family. You know, that family with the wife he treats like crap, and the kids he doesn't even love. That last one being a whole last act plot that was resolved in classic cold Family Guy fashion.



    But Peter does eventually come up with a logical idea, why don't they just kick his ass? You know, because a fat guy, a lanky guy, and a cripple stand a chance against a testosterone fueled brute. Quagmire suggests killing Jeff instead, while Joe tells him that he could be arrested for. This leads to a sex with a rooster joke that again feels like it didn't even know its purpose. This of course leads to what this whole episode has been building up to, Jeff beating Brenda. Again, this wouldn't feel like Family Guy suddenly acting like this situation is disturbing to them if it wasn't born from a throwaway joke.



    That's right. In the season 8 episode "Jerome is the New Black", the B-Plot involved Brian trying to find out why Quagmire doesn't like him. One of those bits has Brian in a misunderstanding believing that a girl in Quagmire's place was just some score, but it was his sister Brenda, who was hiding from Jeff, who finds her, and we hear her being beaten, being played for comedic effect. Just like this episode. This episode tries too hard to throw humor in a humorless situation. Hey, a conflict over Leno and Letterman. That would be funny if this was still 1993 and it wasn't followed by a woman being struck to the ground.



    Finally seeing the abuse go to far (you know, it took seeing the physical aspect of that abuse to do anything about it), they decide to take Jeff on a "hunting trip". This plan to finally off Jeff goes awry when he gets his hands on a shotgun, knocks out Peter and Joe, and takes Quagmire for a ride to the middle of the forest to kill him. Quagmire convinces Jeff to drop the gun and fight like a man, which leads to the two brawling. Or in this case, mostly Quagmire getting his ass handed to him. Jeff chokes out Quagmire, and leaves, believing he killed him. But remember the whole auto-erotic asphyxiation bit earlier? Looks like that actually comes in to play, as Quagmire recovers, hops in the car, and rams it into Jeff, killing him instantly.



    You know, I'm glad that Quagmire killed the monster who abused his sister and all, but seriously show, are you really trying to make me cheer for the rapist who preyed on teenagers, and even once said he had no problems sleeping with his daughter? Whatever, the worst of the two (I guess) is killed at least. And the episode ends with Quagmire and company instead of telling Brenda what happened, give her a phony letter saying that Jeff left her instead. I guess that's a more positive way to finish this off.


    This episode is a hard one to watch honestly, because it not only deals with some rather rough subject matter of domestic abuse and battered wife syndrome, but it's done in the style fitting of the current writing mindset of this series. Let's try to lighten the mood from this dark story with jokes. But instead of distracting jokes, let's make them more and more tasteless in context of the current situation. And let's do this while trying to make the rapist of the show sympathetic, and even that doesn't fully work. They act like suddenly abuse is a serious topic to them, which would be fine, if the episode before this one didn't try to justify Meg being verbally and physically abused by her family. So, yeah, hypocrisy, thy name is Family Guy.

    I know, if I'm looking for good taste, maybe I shouldn't be watching Family Guy. But here's the thing. Maybe if Family Guy was trying to be funny and not make some lopsided point, then maybe that excuse could work. Family Guy's not a show that should be handling this level of drama. It doesn't fit the writing style this show is best suited for. That being crass humor, pop culture digs, and random silliness. Trying to do deeper stories like this just falls on its face because it's subject matter being handled by for the most part inhuman monsters, who either just act like jerks, or try to make the whole situation even worse with inappropriate remarks. Stick to silly episodes, or time adventures with Stewie and Brian.

    Yeah, he's dead. But I'm not falling for this phony "dead forever" scam. He'll be back louder, angrier, and with more liberal agendas than ever on a show that in all honesty should have stayed cancelled.

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  • 12/21/13--21:00: Elf Bowling: The Movie
  • Bowling for Bullcrap
    Film Brokers International: 2007

    Christmas time has reared its snowy head once again, and that means it's time once more to look at some holly jolly horribleness from the realm of the animated. I've talked of nutcrakers and care bears, talking snowmen, and ponies on twinkle wish adventures. I thought I had really looked at some stinkers. But it turns out that I had only scratched the surface of the coal filled stocking when I saw this DVD. I mean, Elf Bowling: The Movie? It's like the crap gods above were tempting me with the wafting odors of pure fecal delights.

    So, what the hell is Elf Bowling? It was a computer game, where you played as Santa Claus who, you guessed, fired birds from a slingshot to kill pigs. Wait, wrong game, but the point remains. It was a bowling game where you bowled elves. It gained popularity, and there were plenty of updated versions of the game. Even going so far as to add ports to the Gameboy advance and the Nintendo DS, much to the dismay of critics, and anyone foolish enough to buy it.

    However, despite the simplicity of something like bowling elves, the creators felt that they clearly had the next big franchise on their hands, and that its popularity was enough to warrant a series of animated films. No, seriously. There was a sales promo for the first film, claiming it to be bigger than Jesus. Claiming it's gonna hit the big screen, and that USA Today calls it, and I'm not BS'ing you, "A Phenomenon". Hell, the sales promo full on promotes a sequel in the works that never got made. Nor did this even touch the theater.

    So, let's see if this truly strikes out. Let's review this thing.



    We open the story with the origin of Santa Claus (voiced by Joe Alaskey), who in this version is a pirate, who steals toys from kids to sell them right back to other kids. Santa (who's full name is Santa Maria Clauswitz-Kringle), ask his crew the age old question of "who pooped in the peanut barrel?" Because you know, nothing says Christmas like bowel movements. But it turns out that Santa's not a complete prick as he sets baskets of toys out to sea to be picked up by poor children. Let's just hope those poor children live close to the water and all. Middle of the land can go screw.


    Santa feels it's time for a little game of nine-pin, and calls for his brother, and film antagonist, Dingle Kringle, who's voiced by... Tom Kenny? Thy actually got decent voice talents in this film? I do so many of these cheap, horrible animated films I was expecting the "best" we'd get is the 4kids voice actors. Santa seems to be a proficient ball holder, as he easily beats his crew. When the crew accuses Santa and Dingle of cheating, the two blame each other, and engage in a sudden sword fight, until they're both knocked off the ship into the icy waters below.


    Cut to the North Pole many years later as we see an elf named Lex doing some "totally radical" snowboarding until he crashes right in front of the frozen (yet still arguing) Santa and Dingle. Lex notices that Santa looks like a mythological character named Whitebeard who will lead the elves... maybe (seriously, even the statue doesn't know.)  He whips his deus ex bowling ball, which has the power to shoot fire and thaw out the bickering brothers. And despite maybe even a century of trying to sort things out, they still fight with one another. Lex tries to freeze them back, but sets Santa's ass on fire. So, their supposed leader is literally suffering from a case of "fire in the poop deck", so what do the elves do? Play harmonica or course.

    "Well, this is going to be 80 minutes of fun, I can tell already."


    After cooling down, Santa is introduced to the elves, who show him the North Pole. Santa claims to be grateful, but considering he's a plundering pirate of pure prickishness, he and Dingle claim to be shoe salesman.. The elves, being idiots, buy it, because they think he's whitebeard. They even show the duo to their toy factory. And since these two are god awful at hiding they're intentions, Dingle even says out loud that he intends to steal the toys, which Santa counters with clearly meaning "giving them to kiddies". And they buy it because stupidity.

    Turns out that the elves make the toys, play with them, and since they don't think to just recycle these toys or trade them with other elves, they just stuff ten trillion of them inside the mountains. When elves start to march in place, Dingle tries to grab Lex's ball (get used to these ball puns, kids), and drop the ball, literally bowling the elves over.

    There, we got our titular elf bowling, can we end this now?

    But it turns out these elves have no problem being abused and knocked about by their white bearded overlord. We also get more of Santa's plan to trick Lex into giving him the ball so he can conjure a ship, steal the toys, and get revenge on their crew. And they once again say all this OUT FRIGGING LOUD! But nobody's paying attention anyway as the elves are welcoming their new leader with... armpit farts? Sure. Okay.


    Santa is then introduced to pastry chef/love interest Grizelda, who welcomes the fat man with some strudel, which, as it turns out, is Santa's favorite dish. That's all well and good...

    But it sure as hell ain't the people's strudel.



    But nevermind all that crap, we have Dingle talking to... a mafioso Penguin?

    "Sure. Why not?"


    Santa is still completely focused on his revenge, but Lex gives him the idea to only work one day a year delivering toys. With that news, as well as free room, board, and strudel, Santa is down for the task. Lex introduces him to the main players of this elf association. Wrappelstiltskin (friggin' really?), a black elf that raps (of course he does, why wouldn't he?), Bagger, who made a magic bag that can hold 10 billion toys, and Candle, who... makes candles? No, he's in charge of entertainment. Lex makes a sleigh for Santa to deliver the toys, and this leads to, of course, a song. Because we're almost 20 minutes into this film, and I was praying that meant we were safe. How foolish I am.



    As sung by the gravelly voice of Bagger, he tells Santa that good productivity and all of the magic from Lex's ball requires the elves to be happy to fill up the... ugh... Bum-o-meter, and he tells Santa to sign a contract. This is nearly Gottfried levels of bad in terms of the singing, and it has to be the least catchy song of all time as none of the lines are memorable, mostly being just an off key mess. Simply put, don't piss the elves off, or they'll go on strike. there. I saved the audience over two minutes of ear pain.

    So, we get a bunch of exposition about how Santa and Dingle would be given immortality, and how he would be good to his word by doing the Christmas job for centuries, while Dingle was still a piratin' prick. He even weds Grizelda. And keeping with the title of the film that hasn't focused on much bowling, we cut to 1400 years later where Santa decides to finally give the elves their own bowling alley.



    Santa is even tired of his freeloading brother (though his fear of losing the tase  of Grizelda's oh-so-godly strudel is the real key factor), and throws out Dingle. Dingle later assembles his henchman of mafia penguins (still blows my mind) that he plans to try and take Christmas from Santa. Or you could, you know, not do that, and stop being such a douche. But there's like over a half hour left of this crud, so I guess any motivation is good motivation. And how does he plan to take over Christmas?  By bowling of course.

    Even the Dude, Walter, and Donny (god rest his soul) would be sick of all this bowling.

    After some really painful puns, we get to the elf bowling match with Christmas on the Line. Dingle has his pengoons cheat for him to give him the advantage over Santa and win, until he is caught in his cheating ways. There, Dingle's defeated, and Santa keeps Christmas. Clearly that must means the movie's over.

    *sees that there's still over 40 minutes left*



    You know what we haven't had in a while? A song, of course. And it's the villain song, which should be good. But, if the last song was any indication, this song will of course be god awful, which is is. At least Tom Kenny is a bit of a better singer. He sings about loving a mutiny. Their plan is to sabotage the candy cane machine, and blow up the place with gun powder, which they pin Lex for. Lex quits, causing some dissension in the elf crew. Dingle then tricks Santa into going to the cracking ice during a storm to save Lex, as he steals Santa's job. 


    The pengoons sabotage the toy factory, blowing it to smithereens in the process. Santa gets frozen again (for some reason), and Dingle and the pengoons trash the place. And to finish the job, Dingle places a fake note claiming that Santa hates them all. The elves, finally pissed at the whole situation, go on strike. Dingle tells them that they should set up shop in a new location. How does he do that, take a wild guess. Through song of freaking course! Long story short, he tells the elves that they should open shop in Fiji. 


    And as if one villain to this film wasn't enough, we get a 2nd in a floozy named Veronica trying to horn in on Dingle's plan to take over Christmas. Dingle and the elves arrive on Fiji where they're greeted by the chief of Fiji, followed by... oh for the love of the Little Drummer Boy... ANOTHER SONG!  Meanwhile, Santa is eventually rescued by Grizelda. The jolly elf is not happy with how he handled things, until Grizelda essentially inspires him to grab his balls and get his elves back. Santa sets off to finish things with Dingle once and for all.


    So Dingle's plan is to lure all the elves (except Lex) into his sweat shop and hypnotize them. He steals Lex's ball, and sends him flying into the chief's hut, as he and Veronica plan to bill the kids for the toys they deliver. We then learn that, get this, the magic never came from Lex's bowling ball, but Lex had the power all along. 

    Who saw that coming, huh? Huh? HUH? HUUUUH? 

    Oh thank god this is almost over.

    Santa arrives in Fiji, just as Dingle notices the situation at hand. He needs help stopping Santa and stealing the sleigh, so he conjures up.

    A pair of surfer speaking rock men?


    After Dingle zaps Santa with the orb, he has his stone dudes bury him in the sand, instead of, you know, crushing him under their massive stone girth. They also don't believe Santa's a cultural icon, even when Santa tells them to use google.

    Clearly he takes his search engine tips from Dr. Crumb.

    Lex finds Santa buried in the sand, and the two patch things up for being so easily duped by Dingle. This moves the bodacious rock men, who free Santa. 



    With the help of the chief, they manage to distract one of the stone dudes with a woman made out of fire so they can get into the building. They literally reverse the hypnosis by reversing the giant hypno wheel, snapping the elves out of their spell. Santa and Lex manage to tell the elves that... get this... Dingle was the bad guy all along. Well who knew? However, they forgot about Dingle still having the magic ball.  Grizelda shows up, and brawls with Veronica in the least interesting catfight of all time. Veronica is defeated by, of course, the magic of strudel.



    Dingle almost falls out of the sleigh as it's high in the air, but Santa saves his worthless spine. This prompts Dingle to challenge Santa to another bowling match because, you know, it's not like he's already lost. Santa accepts, but this time it's Super Elf Bowling, which is pretty much the same as the regular elf bowling, only with coconuts. Dingle must have got three dunks in a row on NBA Jam because his ball's on fire, as he lands a strike. He is in full cheating form again, as he switches Santa's coconut ball with a bomb. It doesn't blow Santa up, but blows up in front of the pins, which doesn't knock them down. Looks like Dingle wins again, only until he's proven to have cheated once again. Santa wins once and for frigging all, and Dingle ends up flying to the Moon on a firework because punishment I guess.


    And so the movie ends with Santa and Lex riding on their Christmas toy delivery, as Lex fixes up the toy factory in the North Pole on the way home. 


    And that was Elf Bowling: The Movie. It wasn't as bad as something like Bubsy or Madballs: Gross Jokes, but my god was it boring. The story wasn't all that interesting, the humor was forced at times, rarely ever coming off as entertaining, and the animation is stiff and awful, making the thought that this would have a theatrical release all the more comical. I give credit to Tom Kenny and Joe Alaskey for giving it their best shot in the voice department, but everyone else sounds horrible.And it just really has no reason to exist. I get how you can make an animated story out of something like Battletoads (despite its crappiness), but THIS? It's a crappy little bowling game with elves with no real plot. And the plot we get is bland, predictable, and ugly to look at. It can fa-la-la-la-lick my bowling balls. Simply put, if you watch this movie...



    Merry Christmahanakwanzika evurrbuddy. 


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  • 01/06/14--15:48: Tooncrap is Moving!


  • Yep, after almost a half decade here on Blogger, Tooncrap is finally making a much needed move. Starting January 14th, this blog will be moving to Game Show Garbage as part of the site's bigger extensions for the coming year. What this will mean is now there will be a new article once every month, as well as a cleaner, more improved version of many of the classic articles posted here on this fine blog.

    So, what does that mean for the blog here? Will it be removed in total? Right now, that's not the current plan. In fact, I may come up with some new ideas and articles in the near future. But as it pertains to official articles, they will be official property of GSG effective this Saturday.

    I want to thank everyone who has supported this review blog since its inception. I definitely wouldn't have stuck with it without the support of those who really wanted to help see this blog grow and improve. And as the coming year moves forward, and this new alliance with GSG, there will be more great new content, more fun, and definitely more dumpster diving into the worst in animation.


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    Welcome to the first ever voting field for the first ever Crummy Awards. It's odd. I've been doing Tooncrap since 2008, and yet I've never thought to put in the effort to do an awards article. But looking at the majority of what was given to people in 2013, there definitely isn't a better year to do this. And since I love to put the old bashing on old Dr. Crumb of the infamously bad "Little and Big Monsters" and "What's Up? Balloon to the Rescue", he will serve as the "gooker" of sorts.

    So, here are the first ever nominees for the Crummy Awards. All choices were based off poor reviews elsewhere, as well as if they're currently released on DVD by the time I get to reviewing this in early March. Hence why "Walking With the Dinosaurs 3D" is a worthy inductee, but seems to be a while ahead from release.


    Escape From Planet Earth



    A film with more rewrites than original ideas, this Weinstein Company dud of an alien adventure film is one that doesn't come in peace.

    Disney's Planes


    Disney Flies "So Low" by throwing a lame direct-to-video Cars spinoff to theaters. 

    Uncle Grandpa


    Because Cartoon Network was sorely lacking in stupidly random cartoon shows.

    Teen Titans Go!


    Cartoon Network pulls a double middle finger to fans of Teen Titans and Young Justice

    Free Birds


    Time travelling turkeys. Someone actually got paid to release a film with that stupid a premise.

    The Smurfs 2

    It takes a certain type of magic to take an already awful film, and smurf things up worse for the sequel. 

    Family Guy's "The Life of Brian" Saga

    Seth MacFarlane screws the pooch before getting a case of old yeller belly. 

    Turbo

    Dreamworks' attempt at selling the audience on a super fast snail is quite slow going.


    Polls are open from now until February 15th. After that, the review should be up exclusively on the Tooncrap blog by early march. So get out there, and get voting. 


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  • 02/09/11--18:49: Defenders of Dynatron City

  • An atomic bomb.

    Dic: 1992

    There's no tried and tested cartoon idea that has worked better than that of the super hero team.



    From the established comic book heroes..



    To the fresher takes..

    There's just something awesome about a team of unique heroes who kick the ass of evil for the good of mankind. And rarely does the idea fail. But when it does, it's never a pretty sight. Case in point with our induction du jour, Defenders of Dynatron City. The little franchise that couldn't.



    Defenders of Dynatron City made it's debut to the world as a videogame from Lucasfilm Games. It was released to the NES in summer 1992, amid solid hype from magazines. Believing that this was going to be the next Ninja Turtles, the creators sought out for both an animated series, as well as a comic book mini-series. However, the game still needed to be released first. And when it did, well all the hype was noting but squadoo. The game was torn to shreds by gaming critics for it's terrible controls, and poor gameplay. So, the bubble burst on the future of Dynatron City. As for the animated series, it only saw a pilot, which was released to home video. And, as you'd guess by me reviewing it on a blog called "Tooncrap", that it's not very good.

    So, let's dive into this dynamic dud. Let's review this thing.



    We open to the world of awful early 90's CGI, AKA Dynatron City, as a narrator tells us all about this wonderful place. How the city is essentially living in the wonderful atomic age, and everyone drinks delicious Proto-Cola.


    Enjoy the refreshing taste of nuclear waste!



    No, literally. As we see a man grow 2 extra arms after ingesting the stuff. Now he doesn't feel like the odd one out...


    With his wife Oculous Orbus, and his son Charles and Mambo.

    Yep, a future where people's differences, though caused by mutation, are happily accepted. Only in cartoons.



    However, the creator of the cola isn't too fond of it becoming a massive hit. This man with the massive cranium also happens to be our villain, Doctor Mayhem. He created the cola to cause fear and panic, ultimately resulting in people leaving Dynatron City, which he apparently also created. But, despite the money he's making (Which despite the success of the cola isn't enough money apparently), he's quite disgruntled that it's such a success. He complains about it to...


    Gleek? The hell?

    Actually his name's Monkey Kid, and I guess he was the first to be mutated by the Proto-Cola.



    "He was lucky to still be alive" says the doctor, after spilling the syrup on a big giant mechanical piece of foreshadowing. Doctor Mayhem is set to release his latest wicked plan, which is to unleash an army of robots on the city. Meanwhile, outside of the Proto-Cola factory, we finally meet our defenders.



    Two Proto-Cola delivery people named Brett (AKA, Big Southern Fred Jones) and Wendy (Who carrys around a tool box, and has a very orgasmic over the top voice), an electrician named Mary, Who was apparently originally voiced by Whoopi Goldberg, but you can easily tell that the voice was removed prior to the video's released.

    Wow, so even Whoopi didn't want a part of this... yet had no problem doing Pinocchio 3000. Hmmmm...

    There's also their dog (who never gets an official name prior to his mutation)

    When Bret and Wendy don't get paid by Doctor Mayhem, they enter the factory. They free Monkey Kid, and discover Mayhem's robot army. But before they can do anything about it, Mayhem catches them, as our heroes get sent into a giant vat, ready to be drowned in Proto-Cola. However, Monkey Kid is easily able to free himself, and he tries to free the others. However, a conveniently placed banana peel sends him accidentally crashing into the on switch, as the Proto-Cola dumps on our heroes. While all that's happening, Doctor Mayhem, and his robot cronies invade a nearby construction site, and destroy everything in sight.

    Monkey Kid drops an electrical wire into the Proto-Cola vat, causing an explosion. In the process, it creates our Defenders of Dynatron City.



    Mary becomes Miss Megawatt, with the power of electricity. The unnamed dog becomes Radium Dog. Wendy becomes Buzzsaw Girl, a mermaid-like being with a buzzsaw wheel at the end of her tail (which seems like more of an inconvenience than a great superpower). And Bret becomes Jet Headstrong, with the power to shoot his head like a projectile.



    And Wendy's toolbox also becomes a superhero. Which is interesting, because I didn't think toolboxes had DNA to mutate.

    Our newly powererd super team head off to fight Mayhem, without a batlte plan, of course.

    They arrive just as Mayhem's robots have taken the city under siege. The newly christened Defenders of Dynatron City begin to defeat the robots. Using their super powers like Jet's rocket head, Buzzsaw Girl's super saw, Radium Dog's power orb/grenade thingy, Miss Megawatt's electric attacks, and Toolbox's.... Patented robot reprograming dance enducer?



    You know, for a superhero made from a toolbox, I would have expected something less ri-fucking-diculous.

    The heroes end up victorious. The robots are smited, and Dr. Mayhem retreats. Back at his lair/cola factory, he laments over only having the useless robot head as mentioned earlier.


    Useless that is, until he realises there's an on switch.

    Our villain, ladies and gentlemen. Brilliant enough to create a city of mutants. Stupid enough to not take credit. Stupider enough to not know how to use his own contraptions.



    The giant robot head calls himself Atom Ed (And is voiced by Tim Curry). His power is to bring inanimate machinery to life. This pleases Mayhem so much, that he cackles all the way through the commercial break.



    The Defenders make it to the Proto-Cola factory. While Monkey Kid tries to inform them that they need a plan, the Defenders prefer the "smashy smashy" approach instead. This plan fails of course, as Mayhem uses Atom Ed to defeat the Defenders using newly animated machinery. With the Defenders defeated, Mayhem has Atom Ed bring his whole factory to life, and sends it to destroy Dynatron City. Monkey Kid chastises the crew for not taking this whole hero thing seriously, and the crew finally come up with a plan.

    After freeing themselves, the main heroes battle the newly animated factory, as Monkey Kid tries to dismantle Atom Ed. They manage to trip the factory, sending it crashing into the ground, and Monkey Kid defeats Atom Ed by using the off switch. Atom Ed crashes into Mayhem's ship, which sends the two of them into a trash bin, that gets carried off by a tidal wave of Proto-Cola.

    Our heroes celebrate a job well done, while realizing there may be other dangers ahead, so they need all the regular items, like a command centre, vehicles, a fan club, a series that lasted more than a pilot. You know, the essentials.



    However, unbeknownst to our defenders, Dr. Mayhem, and Atom Ed have wound up in a sewer, creating an army of fly soldiers from the Proto Cola. The episode ends with Dr. Mayhem vowing he'll be back.I guess that vow fell on deaf ears, as he never did. Nor did this show.

    And that's Defenders of Dynatron City. An interesting idea on paper, but poorly executed. The heroes weren't all that dynamic. The plot was shoddy, even for a pilot. I will admit, if given a better polish job, there could've been some hope. But, in the end, it's just another piss poor Dic cartoon.

    And one other irksome thing is that the villain's motivations were really moronic. He creates a mutated paradise, but is too much of a tyrant just to take the credit and leave things as is. He comes off as a very confusing, moronic, and somewhat stereotypical mad scientist. But one thing's for sure, no matter how insane, evil, and cold hearted he is...


    He's got nothing on this asshole.

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    The article is on its way, but due to some snags, it may take a little while longer. So bare with me Toonsters.

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  • 02/09/11--18:49: Defenders of Dynatron City

  • An atomic bomb.

    Dic: 1992

    There's no tried and tested cartoon idea that has worked better than that of the super hero team.



    From the established comic book heroes..



    To the fresher takes..

    There's just something awesome about a team of unique heroes who kick the ass of evil for the good of mankind. And rarely does the idea fail. But when it does, it's never a pretty sight. Case in point with our induction du jour, Defenders of Dynatron City. The little franchise that couldn't.



    Defenders of Dynatron City made it's debut to the world as a videogame from Lucasfilm Games. It was released to the NES in summer 1992, amid solid hype from magazines. Believing that this was going to be the next Ninja Turtles, the creators sought out for both an animated series, as well as a comic book mini-series. However, the game still needed to be released first. And when it did, well all the hype was noting but squadoo. The game was torn to shreds by gaming critics for it's terrible controls, and poor gameplay. So, the bubble burst on the future of Dynatron City. As for the animated series, it only saw a pilot, which was released to home video. And, as you'd guess by me reviewing it on a blog called "Tooncrap", that it's not very good.

    So, let's dive into this dynamic dud. Let's review this thing.



    We open to the world of awful early 90's CGI, AKA Dynatron City, as a narrator tells us all about this wonderful place. How the city is essentially living in the wonderful atomic age, and everyone drinks delicious Proto-Cola.


    Enjoy the refreshing taste of nuclear waste!



    No, literally. As we see a man grow 2 extra arms after ingesting the stuff. Now he doesn't feel like the odd one out...


    With his wife Oculous Orbus, and his son Charles and Mambo.

    Yep, a future where people's differences, though caused by mutation, are happily accepted. Only in cartoons.



    However, the creator of the cola isn't too fond of it becoming a massive hit. This man with the massive cranium also happens to be our villain, Doctor Mayhem. He created the cola to cause fear and panic, ultimately resulting in people leaving Dynatron City, which he apparently also created. But, despite the money he's making (Which despite the success of the cola isn't enough money apparently), he's quite disgruntled that it's such a success. He complains about it to...


    Gleek? The hell?

    Actually his name's Monkey Kid, and I guess he was the first to be mutated by the Proto-Cola.



    "He was lucky to still be alive" says the doctor, after spilling the syrup on a big giant mechanical piece of foreshadowing. Doctor Mayhem is set to release his latest wicked plan, which is to unleash an army of robots on the city. Meanwhile, outside of the Proto-Cola factory, we finally meet our defenders.



    Two Proto-Cola delivery people named Brett (AKA, Big Southern Fred Jones) and Wendy (Who carrys around a tool box, and has a very orgasmic over the top voice), an electrician named Mary, Who was apparently originally voiced by Whoopi Goldberg, but you can easily tell that the voice was removed prior to the video's released.

    Wow, so even Whoopi didn't want a part of this... yet had no problem doing Pinocchio 3000. Hmmmm...

    There's also their dog (who never gets an official name prior to his mutation)

    When Bret and Wendy don't get paid by Doctor Mayhem, they enter the factory. They free Monkey Kid, and discover Mayhem's robot army. But before they can do anything about it, Mayhem catches them, as our heroes get sent into a giant vat, ready to be drowned in Proto-Cola. However, Monkey Kid is easily able to free himself, and he tries to free the others. However, a conveniently placed banana peel sends him accidentally crashing into the on switch, as the Proto-Cola dumps on our heroes. While all that's happening, Doctor Mayhem, and his robot cronies invade a nearby construction site, and destroy everything in sight.

    Monkey Kid drops an electrical wire into the Proto-Cola vat, causing an explosion. In the process, it creates our Defenders of Dynatron City.



    Mary becomes Miss Megawatt, with the power of electricity. The unnamed dog becomes Radium Dog. Wendy becomes Buzzsaw Girl, a mermaid-like being with a buzzsaw wheel at the end of her tail (which seems like more of an inconvenience than a great superpower). And Bret becomes Jet Headstrong, with the power to shoot his head like a projectile.



    And Wendy's toolbox also becomes a superhero. Which is interesting, because I didn't think toolboxes had DNA to mutate.

    Our newly powererd super team head off to fight Mayhem, without a batlte plan, of course.

    They arrive just as Mayhem's robots have taken the city under siege. The newly christened Defenders of Dynatron City begin to defeat the robots. Using their super powers like Jet's rocket head, Buzzsaw Girl's super saw, Radium Dog's power orb/grenade thingy, Miss Megawatt's electric attacks, and Toolbox's.... Patented robot reprograming dance enducer?



    You know, for a superhero made from a toolbox, I would have expected something less ri-fucking-diculous.

    The heroes end up victorious. The robots are smited, and Dr. Mayhem retreats. Back at his lair/cola factory, he laments over only having the useless robot head as mentioned earlier.


    Useless that is, until he realises there's an on switch.

    Our villain, ladies and gentlemen. Brilliant enough to create a city of mutants. Stupid enough to not take credit. Stupider enough to not know how to use his own contraptions.



    The giant robot head calls himself Atom Ed (And is voiced by Tim Curry). His power is to bring inanimate machinery to life. This pleases Mayhem so much, that he cackles all the way through the commercial break.



    The Defenders make it to the Proto-Cola factory. While Monkey Kid tries to inform them that they need a plan, the Defenders prefer the "smashy smashy" approach instead. This plan fails of course, as Mayhem uses Atom Ed to defeat the Defenders using newly animated machinery. With the Defenders defeated, Mayhem has Atom Ed bring his whole factory to life, and sends it to destroy Dynatron City. Monkey Kid chastises the crew for not taking this whole hero thing seriously, and the crew finally come up with a plan.

    After freeing themselves, the main heroes battle the newly animated factory, as Monkey Kid tries to dismantle Atom Ed. They manage to trip the factory, sending it crashing into the ground, and Monkey Kid defeats Atom Ed by using the off switch. Atom Ed crashes into Mayhem's ship, which sends the two of them into a trash bin, that gets carried off by a tidal wave of Proto-Cola.

    Our heroes celebrate a job well done, while realizing there may be other dangers ahead, so they need all the regular items, like a command centre, vehicles, a fan club, a series that lasted more than a pilot. You know, the essentials.



    However, unbeknownst to our defenders, Dr. Mayhem, and Atom Ed have wound up in a sewer, creating an army of fly soldiers from the Proto Cola. The episode ends with Dr. Mayhem vowing he'll be back.I guess that vow fell on deaf ears, as he never did. Nor did this show.

    And that's Defenders of Dynatron City. An interesting idea on paper, but poorly executed. The heroes weren't all that dynamic. The plot was shoddy, even for a pilot. I will admit, if given a better polish job, there could've been some hope. But, in the end, it's just another piss poor Dic cartoon.

    And one other irksome thing is that the villain's motivations were really moronic. He creates a mutated paradise, but is too much of a tyrant just to take the credit and leave things as is. He comes off as a very confusing, moronic, and somewhat stereotypical mad scientist. But one thing's for sure, no matter how insane, evil, and cold hearted he is...


    He's got nothing on this asshole.

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    2013 Crummy Award Winner
    Fox: 2013

    Well, you voted, and here it is. The first ever Crummy Awards was a surprisingly strong turnout. Hell, when I made the poll, I was expecting maybe 10 pity votes at best. But lo and behold, I stand shocked at 217 votes in total. And despite strong showings from both Uncle Grandpa and Smurfs 2, the dominant winner taking over 29% of the vote was the Family Guy Life of Brian saga. And since you fine toonsters want it, you get it.

    I swear to god Family Guy was good at one point. When the writers were trying their damnedest for quality humor mixed with irreverent pop culture references and random comedy. The first few seasons, notably the ones post-initial cancellation were actually funny. In fact those episodes were so popular that it revived the show from being another body in the colossal morgue that is the Fox network, and helped it become a ratings dynamo.

    However, as the show progressed, the quality of the episodes began to... well... blow badly. In fact if you read my review of "Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q", you'll see that the glaring issue with modern Family Guy boils down to two massive problems. The first being an overabundance of shock value and crass, mean spirited humor. There's nothing wrong with dark humor, but when the best the writers can do is have Peter make jokes about the name of a baby being born to a family where the wife is being abused, it doesn't have the punch it needs.

    And then there's the other issue that really kicks this show in the shin, and causes it to make "Ow" and "sss" noises for five minutes, because it was funny the first time, so you have to ruin it by doing it again, only longer and far more obnoxiously. Family Guy is trying to become more serious with its issues and stories, and it never, ever works. You can't end an episode with Brian talking about suicide after you forced your fans to watch a 10 minute diaper eating joke. You can't talk about religion if it comes from a slighted atheist mindset where all Christians are ignorant, book burning morons. And in the case of "The Life of Brian", you can't try to evoke sadness from your fans while delivering some of the show's worst jokes.

    In early 2013, Seth MacFarlane had announced that the show was going to kill off a major character. And as more info became apparent, it was clear whose dog days were numbered. And in late November of 2013, The Life of Brian aired, and we got just that. So, let's look at this episode, see what's wrong with it, and why it deserves the Crummy Award. Let's review this thing.


    We open the episode with Brian and Stewie being inexplicably chased by gun toting Native Americans. After the two manage to find a quick escape we learn that the duo traveled back to 17th century Jamestown and Stewie gave guns to the Indians. Why? 


    I dunno, so we can be bombarded with stereotypes for the first 5 minutes of this episode I guess. 


    The duo hit a snag when the return pad took damage, so they have to find this alternate timeline Stewie to use his time machine to return to Jamestown to fix the mess they made. They manage to fix the timeline, and the world apparently still as no Native American role models.



    The next day, Stewie begins to dismantle his time machine, realizing that it's caused enough trouble as it is. But at least he time traveled to Christmas so he wouldn't have to wait for the new toys to come out. But that won't play any important part in this story.



    While destroying the remains of the time machine, Brian finds a perfectly good hockey net at the dump, and decides to take it home with him. The duo decide to set it up in the street to play a game, as Brian gives off a little monologue that pretty much screams out "your ass is dead in a few seconds, isn't it?"

    And wouldn't you know it?

    Gotta hand it to Family Guy on this, at least they went full out with how brutal the running over of Brian was. Even if you hate the character for his over the top liberal agenda, it still feels uneasy seeing just how maliciously he was killed. Clearly only one man could have committed such a travesty.

    Whether he did it for the Rock or not is still up in the air.


    And of course, any shred of sadness this scene is meant to convey is immediately shat upon by having a squirrel kick Brian's mangled body and say that he sucked.


    And therein lies the biggest problem with this episode. The subject matter is dark, saddening, but Family Guy is not the show for this. They've shown every time that they've tried to handle deeper subject matter that the writers of this show can't go a minute without ruining the moment with either juvenile humor, or mean spiritedness. Much like my issues with Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q, the addition of comedic moments in serious subject matter don't come off as funny or shocking, but poorly thought out and insensitive. And for a show that mainly focuses on fart jokes and pop culture comedy, thought provoking subject matter is something they shouldn't be dealing with anyways.

    The Griffin family see Brian in his last moments of life, as he tells the family that he loved them all, just before he dies. The entire family is deeply saddened by this, and of course the most saddened is Stewie. He tries to rebuild the time machine, but wouldn't you know it? He can't fully rebuild it, because one certain part isn't available anymore. Well, I guess that's it for the time machine angle in the series forever now...


    OR he can just build a whole new time machine in the season finale, further taking the piss out of this oh so dramatic situation. For once my procrastination actually benefits me.

    At Brian's funeral, we see more sad people, along with more poorly timed jokes (except the Adam West joke, which actually is funny), as the family says their farewell to Brian. I know that Brian was a major character in the series and all, but didn't Family Guy once do an episode where they pointed out how little the importance of a dog's life was to the people of Quahog? There I go throwing continuity around when it looks like it matters.

    Everyone is saddened by the loss of Brian, except for Quagmire of course, who has always pretty much hated Brian to begin with. Again, continuity in spurts. Though if they had actually went through with keeping Brian dead for more than three episodes, having Quagmire be revealed as the one who intentionally killed Brian would have actually been smart.

    After a month without Brian, the Griffins are still suffering from a bit of grief. And to show just how much Brian truly meant to them, they decide to go forward with getting a new dog, which contradicts entirely how valued Brian truly was to everyone but Stewie I guess. They look around the pet store for a replacement, and eventually find...

    Him.

    This is Vinnie. He's like Brian, as in he's a talking dog, and that's pretty much it. Do you love over the top Italian gangster stereotypes? Do you like that one guy from the Sopranos that wasn't Big Pussy? Well here you go. After instantly hitting it off with Peter, the Griffins decide to get Vinnie, and he becomes beloved by everyone except Stewie.


    Oh, and in between we get a crucifixion cutaway gag involving someone  mad at a pickle jar and the other guy tells him to nail it up on a cross. This is the extent to what the cutaway gags have gotten to. Pointless shock value with no comedic punchline. I harp on Prom Night Dumpster Baby a lot, but at least that was kinda entertaining. This? Crucify a pickle jar? The hell did that idea even come from?


    Stewie tries his hardest to get rid of Vinnie. Mainly through trying to kill him with so much Italian-based grief. But of course, it doesn't work. Eventually Stewie gives up, and Vinnie tells him a sob story about his former owner, and how he wants a family again. It does try to convey how sad the character is, and tries to make him sympathetic. But in the end, it's still just boring, unfunny, and trying too hard to be heartwarming on a show that pretty much has made it clear that the majority of the character within are devoid of anything resembling a heart. Whatever, the episode ends with Stewie and Vinnie getting along, and the Family Guy fandom clearly having no problems whatsoever with the outcome.

    Oh right, the fandom lost their everlovin' shit over this. Rants on Twitter, people claiming to be done with Family Guy over the outcome. One idiot even tattooing Brian on his arm to commemorate the death of the pooch. Despite the fact that for the most part, they had stated from multiple sources that there were plans to kill off a character later in the season, most people weren't expecting it to be Brian. I think there were even petitions to bring back Brian in the series.

    Though considering there are petitions to bring back Twilight's library, the whole idea of petitions have become nothing but farce nowadays anyhoo.

    The next episode "Into Harmony's Way" only features Vinnie like twice in any major capacity, and really isn't worth getting into. The jokes in it are a little funnier since they're not having to write a particularly sadder episode.

    And that brings us to "Christmas Guy", where this continues on. The episode for the first half plays like a basic episode of the show. Lois' father Carter Pewtershmidt cancels the mall's Christmas carnival and Peter tries to get him to change his mind.

    One scene which features an intentionally uncomfortable eggnog drinking scene. 

    Oh, and the whole situation is saved when Peter calls Carter Jewish. Yeah. That made the first half so worth watching.


    With the Christmas carnival back on, Stewie gets to ask Santa for what he wants. And the one thing he wants is Brian back, since he's the only one who still even acknowledges that Brian even existed.

    Vinnie however, still wants to be Stewie's new best friend, and tries to act like Brian, if he was far faker liberal, and spewed everything out in overly Italian stereotypes. In the end, he gives up, and takes Stewie to the mall.


    When they get there, Stewie discovers himself from the past there getting the toys early, a joke they actually did reference in the first episode. For all the crap these two episodes have pumped out, I do have to admit they did pull one act of brilliance in the whole situation. Stewie gets Vinnie to distract his past self, as he gets the time return pad from past Stewie so he can save Brian. Vinnie is totally cool with the fact that he'll end up being left in the pet store without a family, but whatever, we're saving Brian.


    Stewie manages to save Brian, which gives him a bit more of a newly found appreciation for life. And this entire ratings trap finally comes to an end.


    "The Life of Brian" is not the worst Family Guy episode ever. They've done far worse with even more serious subject matter. What makes it so infamous is how much of a deliberate ratings trap it was. They built up the importance of killing off Brian, which led to immediate outrage by the fans of the seires, only to quick fix the situation a whole two episodes later. That would seem like a case of listening to the concerns of the fans, if Family Guy episodes weren't planned out a long time in advance. Whether or not the complaints happened.

    Whether the fans mourned Brian's death or cheered it on, this was planned from minute one. Though I guess it did what it set out to do, get people actually talking about Family Guy again in any major capacity for like the first time since it was brought back 2005 at least. But in the end, it will always be a black mark of desperation on a show that at one time didn't need to sink to low ends to get people to care about it.


    Thanks once again to everyone who voted this as the winner of the first ever Crummy Awards. See you in 2015 with another worst of the year as chosen by you, and most likely postponed constantly until at least mid-June, because I'm just that lazy.  See you next time!

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    I've been thinking about doing something of this nature for a few years now, but I think it's finally time for Tooncrap to start to break beyond its simplistic blogger nature, and become a bit more interactive. So, as of today, I officially welcome you to the new Tooncrap message board.


    http://officialtooncrap.proboards.com/

    The board is still fresh, but I do plan to expand it as time goes on. It will be a place to discuss your favorite and least favorite cartoons. As well as other things involving animation and beyond. As I plan new ideas for this blog, and possibly plans to expand it beyond the realm of the animated, I want to be able to be more interactive with you, the people who read and enjoy my works. So this is a chance to start the first step in a new age in this blog. So if you feel like it, give the board a join, and talk some crap.

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    I'm straying a bit from the norm this time around to give my thoughts on the newest cartoon from the Hub network, which actually is far from new. In fact the show's origins come from Mexico, and has seen airtime in Australia and the U.K. And it has now officially debuted on the Hub Network in the U.S. Is Teenage Fairytale Dropouts tooncrap worthy, a surprise hit, or just meh? Time to give my thoughts.

    Teenage Fairytale Dropouts tells the story of three teenagers (well duh) who are related to popular characters from classic stories. We have Trafalgar (AKA high contender for worst name ever) who is nephew to Merlin, Jeremiah, who is the son of the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk, and Fury, who is the tooth fairy's daughter. And the gimmick behind these characters is that they each have something that doesn't make them as good as their fairytale relatives. Jeremiah isn't gigantic, Fury doesn't have fairy wings, and Trafalgar sucks at magic.

    Stories base themselves on our main characters often getting themselves in trouble, and having to learn from their mistakes. For example, in the episode "Winged Fury", Fury thinks she's finally growing wings due to her back being itchy. This gains her popularity with the other rather jerkish fairies. However it turns out it's just a rash, and after more mayhem, all is back to status quo by the end of the episode. Each episode runs about two 11 minute episodes.

    The show is far from horrible, or to the level most of my inductions usually get to. The characters do have their charms, and there's nothing that overall comes off as bad for kids to watch. But the problem is there really isn't much substance to this show to make you want more after maybe one or two episodes. The comedy isn't particularly all that strong, and the voice acting is okay at best.

    On the animation side, it's very basic flash animation for a TV series. Understandable since the show isn't exactly on the biggest budget ever, but compared to better cartoons that have managed to do some excellent work with flash budget limitations, this looks inferior in comparison.

    And in the end, the idea of fairy tale schools and even just schools with magic involved have been done in better cartoons. A good example being the often forgotten "Ultimate Book of Spells" cartoon that aired in the early 2000's. The concept is far from new or fresh, and this cartoon, while some of its concepts are interesting, just feels like the same old idea.

    So is it crap? I don't think it's worth inducting since nothing about it feels like an atrocity. Trust me, I've seen worse with this type of story (ugh, Little Princess School).  But it's also nothing fantastic either. So for my first one of these reviews, I give the cartoon in question "Teenage Fairytale Dropouts" a MEH rating.

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    A Beastly Abortion

    Disney: 1991

    It's no secret that in the world of Disney, there have been some major stinkers. Like, for instance, Aladdin. A movie so bad, that I had a hard time sitting through it one year ago today. But as bad as that wretched dreck is, it's nothing on the Razzie nominated bomb, Beauty and the Beast. A movie with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

    Memorable Characters? Nope.
    Good Story? No sir.
    Entertaining musical score? No way.

    It's a steaming, stinking, pile of tooncrap that needs to be given a much needed slap around. So, let's not waste any more time. Let's review this stinker.



    We open our film with a shot of Beauty and the Beast dancing, with a very bland song playing in the background.

    Now, the first thing I gotta note is how bad the animation is. I know this movie was a year before Aladdin, but wow is this a step down for the animation department at Disney. And it doesn't get any better. And the 2nd is, um, spoiler alert perhaps? It's not even a minute into this film, and already it's looking like a happy ending.




    After this quick song, we meet our protagonist, Beauty. Which is odd, because I swear most people refer to her as Belle, and the misleading cover art has her a brunette. Still, this is our hero. She greets her rich bitch sisters Elisha and Pauline, who are quick to mock Beauty's enjoyment of helping the poor. Hmm, uppity ugly sisters? Why do I get the feeling I've seen this shtick before? Oh right, it's similiar in the 1951 classic Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, only they were evil conjoined twin sisters.



    Meanwhile, their father is coming to the realization that the clerks he hired to run his businesses have robbed him blind. Leaving him, his sons and daughters, headded straight to the poor house. So, the family end up moving into a farm. But, not even 2 minutes later in this film, good news seems to come around for them again, as one of their ships has docked, with possible spices and other valuable ilk. The sisters bicker their father for stuff on the possibility of their reclaimed wealth, while Beauty only wants a rose, because she's an uber babyface.



    However, upon inspection of the ship, Father's hopes of reclaiming his fortune are dashed, as there's no ilk or spices of any kind. And, as if his day couldn't blow any more, during a lightning storm he ends up lost in the woods. He eventually finds a castle, and despite not seeing anybody around, assumes he's welcomed in. He makes himself at home, eats a meal, and nods off for the night. The next day, Father begins to head home, but not before taking a rose to give Beauty. This however, causes the weather to get windy and ominous for some reason, and it also introduces us to the Beast.



    The Beast throws a hissy fit over Father taking one of his precious roses, ready to murder the literally poor man. When Father mentions that he was going to give it to Beauty, Beast devises a new plan. Have Father send Beauty to die at the Beast's hands instead, or he can just give Beauty the rose, and still be killed by the Beast. And if he doesn't comply, he'll just kill them both for the helluvit. For a Disney character, he's pretty damn bloodthirsty.


    Okay, that seemed too silly to be accidental..



    So, Father decides to give Beauty the rose, and sacrifice his own life. However, when Beauty becomes guilt tripped over the rose, she offers to go instead. The two head to the castle and meet with the bloodthirsty Beast. The deal becomes final, with Beauty now forced to stay in the castle forever, while her Father is sent home with tons of treasure to "lessen the pain". But in all honesty, it's a way of saying "Thanks for letting me perform horrible acts on your fair daughter." This angers the old codger, but Beauty forces him to leave with treasure in tow. That night, Beauty is ready for the beastialty that awaits her, but instead...



    Gets a maid?

    Actually, this is Clara. An enchantress that just so happens to live at the castle as the Beast's house... I mean castlekeeper. After we're introduced to this useless character, Beast shows up and informs Beauty that he's gone soft, and will not kill her. She's welcome to whatever she wants, except for escape of course. He then makes mention of wanting to marry her, to which she somewhat dreads/seems turned on to. That night, she looks for her bedroom when...


    OH SHIT! IT'S THE PHANTOM BLOT!!!

    No, it's just Clara tangled in a black sheet. She informs Beauty of where her room is. The room is decked out for her, containing a big bed and plenty of dresses. Beauty nods off, but in the middle of the night, she's visited by the fairy of the castle.


    How many friggin' people live in this damn place?

    The fairy warns Beauty that despite the Beasts supposed kind intentions, he's really a stone hearted prick. 6 months pass, as Beauty is more accustomed to castle life. She talks to Clara about the fairy's warnings, but Clara tells her that since the Beast is obviously been kind for half a year, then obviously the fairy was full of crap. That night, Beast asks Beauty to go to the balcony and dance with him. Gotta say, this is a very underwhelming scene. All the stuff I heard about great special effects, and a great song is actually just a quick 40 second scene at best. No wonder this earned Disney a Razzie nom. This is shameful.



    Beast intentions weren't just to dance, but to pop the question. However, Beauty declines. I guess six months of kindness, and free accomodations wasn't enough to throw the poor sod a bone. She asks to visit her family. He begins to complain that he'll die of lonliness, but she assures him that she'll come back in a week. He eventually sees it her way, and lets her go. He gives her a magic ring that can apparently give her the power to teleport back home, and back to the castle if she desires. They dance again to the same reused animation, and Beauty heads off to sleep. But not before the fairy comes back to in her dream to tell Beauty to just leave without returning, and letting Beast die in the process. Beauty doesn't buy it, until the fairy informs her that he's a killer. And for her big finale, shoots a blast of light in the sky, which causes the voices of Beasts victims to wail out to Beauty. So, in a nutshell, the poor girl's got some stuff to mull over.



    Just as Beast promised, the ring causes her to return back home to her once again wealthy family. She informs the family about the ring and that the Beast will be dead in a week, and that she plans to return. This arouses the ire of Pauline and Elisha, who plan to keep her past the week, so Beast will die, and she'll have to envy them. Yep, she's going to envy these two nasally hags because they aided in the murder of someone she considers a friend.


    Pauline and Elisha blow.

    And despite their obvious bitchiness, she gives in and continues to stay. However, before Beauty can commit lonelycide on the Beast, Clara shows up to bring Beauty back to the castle. She returns to notice the flowers wilted, and Beast unconscious on the balcony. She heads to his side...


    But sadly, Beast is dead.

    Oh right, this is a Disney film. We need a quick fix happy ending. And in this case, the power of Beauty's tears not only revive the Beast...


    But also manage to turn him human. Alright then.

    Actually, it's her "pure heart" and her allowing to be his wife that actually broke the spell. So, the two dance one more time, and the movie finally comes to an end.

    And that's Disney's Beauty and the Beast. What a pile of trash. Bad animation, no songs, awful voice acting, and and absolute lackluster plot. This was a major step down from what Disney had brought with their 1989 animated classic "The Littlest Hobo". It's a snorefest of a film with plot holes. In the end, what was the point of the fairy? Clara was the best comic relief they could come up with? This movie is a black eye that Disney has never recovered from. This is almost embarrasing as the infamous "Song of the South Dakota". It's a beautifully disasterous pile of tooncrappy drek.

    But considering the cult fanbase this movie has, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm not seeing the positives this may have. Maybe I didn't give it a chance. Maybe I just reviewed a really bland Golden Video version as a lame April Fools prank. Who knows? Oh wait, I DO know.


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    Exclusive to GSG this week is an all new induction that looks at Doug's first, and only, feature film. Monsters, idiot balls, and robots galore. Check it out.

    http://www.gameshowgarbage.com/tc013_dougs1stmovie.html

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  • 07/08/14--19:08: VHS Vitriol has arrived
  • Now up is a new blog from me known as VHS Vitriol. It will contain movie reviews of good, bad, and all around interesting movies from the era of the VHS tape. And the screenshots will be taken in glorious Cheap-O-Vision. So if you're hankering for new reviews, check out http://vhsvitriol.blogspot.ca/

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    Welcome to the latest edition of "Is it Crap"? The article that asks if a modern or older cartoon is worth inducting to Tooncrap. And for this week's choice, it's definitely one that comes off pretty damn close to being induction worthy, but is it actually as bad as it sounds?

    The Day My Butt Went Psycho is an animated adaptation of a novel by Andy Griffiths. That's Griffiths with an S at the end, so if you thought Matlock wrote a book about talking asses, then you're dead wrong. It originally aired in Australia, and debuted on Teletoon in Canada in June of 2014. The general plot to the cartoon is that long ago, people's butts left the bodies of their human hosts, and rebelled, starting some major war. Eventually man and butt met with an uneasy peace between the two, and they live in harmony. However, there are still some evil asses, so the world still needs the next great butt fighter.

    Enter our protagonist Zack Freeman, regular cool dude, and biggest fan of the "B Team", the greatest group of butt fighters ever. We also meet his butt named Deuce, a somewhat annoying cool dude butt who is really stupid, and has a tendency to spazz out at the sight of anything clean. Who, together with their friend Eleanor, daughter of the leader of the B team, put a stop to evil butts, and for the most part, just go on goofy, random adventures.

    So, yeah, the concept of the cartoon is definitely out there. Talking asses. A war between man and posterior. And a world where man and butt live together. Of course the major questions you want to ask about a show like this are never really explained, such as how people sit, or the more pressing question of how one takes a dump. But considering this is a kids cartoon, you won't ever get an answer to that. However, I think that if the show used this concept much better, focused a lot more on the war between man and butt, and had much better writing, it could really make this concept work.

    The cartoon is done in flash, and isn't the most amazing looking, but still has some decent designs, and in comparison to the last cartoon I reviewed (Teenage Fairytale Dropouts), it definitely looks a lot better. You never see the back end of the butts, which makes sense for a kids cartoon. When the show does do fight scenes, they have this nice stylized look with everything being a single color. And I do like the character designs for the most part.

    However, I do think there are plenty of problems with this cartoon that keep it from being something amazing. First off, while the show brings up this interesting lore about butt fighters, and a war between man and butt, most episodes of the series just fall under the stock "two awesome dudes having wacky adventures" shtick that was done far better with the likes of Adventure Time and Regular Show. The show also tries to use a bit too much close up gross out humor, which always feels out of place when its done. And yes, I know I'm saying that gross out humor in a cartoon with talking asses is out of place.

    In the end, The Day My Butt Went Psycho turned out to surprise me with a show that was better than I expected. However, I feel that the idea within could have been saved with better writing, more focus on the whole man vs butt story instead of just randomness, and far less dependency on gross out humor. That said, I do like the show's look, and even some of the characters. I don't know how perfectly it's adapted from the book, but if it is, then it's doing an okay enough job. It's not going to please most cartoon fans, and it's definitely geared more towards 8-year old boys with its constant butt jokes, but I've seen far worse attempts at this kind of show, so that's another point in this cartoon's favor. I say that The Day My Butt Went Psycho is not tooncrap worthy, and is an okay at best cartoon.

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  • 07/27/14--21:07: Be Cool, Scooby Doo

  • So, we have our first official image of Mystery Inc. for the 30 billionth reboot of Scooby Doo. My thoughts? Well, I had little hopes in any attempted spin off of the franchise after Scooby Doo Mystery Inc. was to this point the most inspired reboot of a franchise that should have been put to sleep ages ago. Again, this is just a picture, and lord knows, it could turn out to be surprisingly good. But, for now, all I have is bad "Teen Titans Go" vibes, and that's not a good thing.

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